Project Melanie

If you do the same things day after day, you'll get the same results day after day. I've always heard people say this all throughout my life but never paid much attention to those words until now. As I went into work night after night, year after year without any significant changes in my life (other than the rapid decline of my health), I knew something had to give. I became angry and hard to get along with. When my off days were up and I was due to go back to work my entire demeanor changed, my husband knew exactly what was wrong with me everytime it would happen. He knew to steer clear of me and not to say too much. Peace was non existent, I was down right miserable with my life. I used to jokingly say, "my regular job is stopping me from pursuing my dreams". Although it was said jokingly, this was the honest truth. I was too tired and run down from working to pursue what my passion was. Feeling suffocated by life, I started having anxiety attacks and crying spells...

Have you ever felt like there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done? That's how I'm feeling these days. While I do realize there has to be a healthy balance to working, sleeping, family time etc., I also have the drive to continue on pushing myself when I should be getting rest. Ahh if I could just snap my fingers and my thoughts became a reality, that would be a dream come true for sure! I'm appreciating the process though of learning what works and what doesn't. I'm learning more about myself each day by sitting still. By sitting still I mean, taking time out of my day to sit in  silence, relax and reflect upon yesterday. While reflecting upon yesterday, I'm paying close attention to how I felt. If I'm not liking how I felt yesterday, I brainstorm what I can do today to make things better than yesterday. Sitting still in silence was a struggle for me at first. Feelings of guilt and anxiety crept in and I had to figure out why. I was so use...

I woke up this morning grateful and reflective of the many reasons I have to be grateful. The fact that I woke up in my right mind is a blessing which I don't take for granted. Today is my 45th Birthday, I'm grateful to be here writing this blog. Sitting in my recliner, relaxing while listening to the trickling water from my fish tank, watching the fish swim, I am grateful. Watching my cat Oreo run around wildly, jumping up towards the fish tank, I am grateful. I have learned throughout the course of the year to not take anything for granted. I never gave much thought to being able to smell and taste until I lost the ability to do both. The same goes for me not giving thought about being able to walk unassisted. I never gave it much thought until I nearly lost the ability to walk. The sounds from my fish tank and being able to see the fish swim around may seem like small things, but to me they're huge. I take in the sights and sounds and am thankful for being able to ...

Being consistent has  been an issue for me. I will start 10 projects at once, get frustrated and  discouraged then say to hell with them all. I realize that this is an area I must work on to progress to new levels of achievement in my life. My thoughts were different while in school to attain my bachelors degree. I was able to focus and remain consistent  because school was something I knew I had to be serious about, I didn't have any thoughts of throwing in the towel. I wasn't going to waste money either! I did however, downgrade from the degree I initially started pursuing, to one that would let me graduate sooner. This blog is one of the ways I'm holding myself to being consistent. Once I have a following, my followers will hold me accountable and I wont feel so comfortable throwing in the towel. I know there are many who can relate to my issues and I'd like to share my struggles as well as triumphs. I will be addressing my battle with being overweight in the days ...

It's been a few weeks since I quit my job and I'm finally feeling less anxiety about it. I've had more than enough time to evaluate the state of my life and what needs to be done moving forward. I'm learning that it's ok to not be on the go all of the time. I'm learning it's permissible to drop off of the map to heal, regroup and recharge. Feeling guilt over quitting, I realized was more about others people's perceptions about what I should be doing. Living up to other people's expectations is not my goal. Living life healthy and  being at peace is the goal. I've sacrificed my peace and health for too long, but no more. As selfish as it may sound, It's all about Melanie. Don't get me wrong, I'm not walking around with my head in the clouds ignoring people, but I am giving my attention to those things attention worthy and leaving the messiness of other people's lives to them to fix. I'm getting better at delegating and direct...

Do you ever sit and wonder what if? What if I had made better choices throughout my life, where would I be now? I sometimes sit and wonder what on Earth were you thinking Melanie!? Some of the things I've gone through, I look back on and cringe. Some of the things I had going on would have fit right in with the Jerry Springer show. I am however thankful that I can acknowledge growth throughout the years. I'm now able to realize the dysfunction I was once a part of and continue to work towards being a better me. Everyday is a challenge, I am faced with hard decisions because of decisions that were made while in a dysfunctional state of mind. What happens when you have clarity and you've outgrown the people who you've picked up along the way during your journey? What if you realize after years of marriage, your spouse wouldn't have been someone you'd even date had you not been in a dysfunctional state of mind? Sitting and thinking what if is easy to do but the ...

I say often a closed mouth doesn't get fed and in my case if you aren't a advocate for yourself you'll wind up dead! Yes this sounds extreme but  the situation is just that bad. It's by the grace of God that I am still walking today. Some know my story but to those who don't,  here goes. A few months back I started having pain in my right knee. I attributed the pain to me being overweight and my knee just being tired. The pain wasn't bad enough for me to take a pain pill so I ignored it and went on with my life full throttle business as usual. Now 3 weeks ago, after barely making it through my 5 night stretch at work, my knee started giving me excruciating pain that had me in tears. Getting out of bed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night became nearly impossible and if I made it out of bed I certainly couldn't make it to the bathroom in time. This of course was frustrating as well as embarrassing. I couldn't imagine how or why my knee went fr...

Today I woke up feeling Blah if that's even word. I don't have much to do today other than picking up my carpet cleaner a town over from the Sam's club. I just finished my 18 year olds financial aid application after jumping out of bed. I have some stuff weighing on me and I guess I'm having a moment. I also have my oldest son in town who hasn't come to visit me but that's another story. I think I need to rest after coming back from Sams club. If possible I would escape to a log cabin in the woods with no phone, just nature and peace of mind. Everyone knows I love animals and I'd be at peace watching them all day long. I'll be back tomorrow letting you know how my day went. Hopefully I can get some rest and turn my brain off. Project Melanie

I woke up early this morning and quickly found my mind racing trying to figure out what to do first. Then it hit me, I have been busy doing something all week long to compensate for leaving my job. I guess I feel that I have to stay busy and productive but at the same time I have to have a healthy balance. I have decided to designate today as a day of rest. I'm not doing anything business related. I'm actively practicing shutting my brain off and just relaxing. I've cooked breakfast and ate with my husband. Currently I'm in the living room reclined in my new giant recliner, (an Early Birthday Gift to myself) and watching the fish swim around in my 30 gallon tank. This is peaceful to me and helps me to unwind and relax. I'll be relaxing in my recliner all day and heck I deserve it! Whatever needs to be done will get done another day. Writing this blog is the only thing I'm doing today. I'll let you know how my relaxing day went. Below is a picture of me in ...

I know that Rome wasn't built in a day and that I can't expect others to be as passionate about my endeavors as I am. However while working on several things right now, It's become painfully obvious how unsupportive those I'd expect support from are. People will share all kinds of nonsense on social media but it's literally like pulling teeth when I ask others to share what I'm involved in. Popeyes chicken sandwiches going viral, holy water shoes selling out in record time and all kinds of other crazy stuff being posted left and right but let me post a business opportunity, ....Crickets chirping.... that's exactly what I'm getting. For instance, I'm promoting credit building and repair services. I know people personally who can't get a cell phone without an enormous deposit, people who can't rent a car or hotel room but aren't receptive to getting their credit repaired or sharing the information with others who may be interested. It do...

Now that I am no longer working a full time job my brain hasn't fully processed it yet. I'm so used to the routine of being up all night long, sleeping most of the day, running the kids around and then back to bed before work at 11 p.m. Even though I am working on a few projects while at home, the feeling of not being obligated to work outside of my home is new and weird. I must keep things in perspective and remember I am to be resting and healing not finding more things to involve myself in. I also have to learn that me needing rest and rejuvenation isn't a sign of me being weak it's a sign of me being strong for everyone else around me for way too long. The people who are always pillars of strength for everyone else are often left without the same support they give. At the end of the day when all the advice is given, all of the fires have been put out in the lives of everyone else around me, where am I mentally and emotionally? Drained and depleted yet ready to do it...

Today has been a busy one for me. Its also been bittersweet to be honest. The pressure is on to be successful without the familiarity and cushion of my old job. Although there was little room for growth within my old company, I was safe, I knew my checks would come bi weekly and I was comfortable with that for far too long. My dreams and visions far outweigh what my old job could provide me. I have a realization that I was born to succeed! I wasn't born to just barely scrape by, live in public housing and to never own a home of my own. There's more to life than working tirelessly while never being able to enjoy the fruits of your labor. So many get caught in this cycle of work, eat sleep and repeat and before long, years have passed and nothing has changed but your age. I became irritated and agitated, that's the best way I can explain it. Irritated that I don't have the things I desire and  agitated that I have so many ideas to be successful and wanting it all to hap...

Today I did it, I let go. I let go of my full time job of 4 years.This was a hard decision that I had been struggling with for some time now. Instead of focusing on my health, which seemed to always take a hit after working consecutive nights, I worried about how to make ends meet. I lost sight of ME, I was working in pain, barely able to walk or stand at times and I had to look deep and ask myself why I'm holding on. What was I really gaining from working in pain and while sick? Security and of course income are the obvious answers for continuing to work in my condition. I liked being in control in a sense, I knew exactly what was going to hit my bank account bi weekly and planned my life accordingly. Everything was routine and honestly I didn't welcome any upset to this routine...at first. Having a Faith filled background, I realized that God is aware of every need that I have and he also knows the pain I've been working in. It was time for me to step out on faith. No m...

Now I know that title sounds a little sketchy but you'll see what I mean. About a month ago I purchased poppy seed buns to go with the Chicago style beef Vienna Polish sausages I got from Sams club. I actually went overboard with the buns because my kids think they are weird and don't want the black dots on their buns so I had a whole bag left over. Anyway, those buns have been sitting on my microwave for a month untouched until the 4th of July. I barbecued hot Italian sausages and hamburgers. Now I usually don't eat much bread actually bread is very rare for me so you'll understand my upcoming issue. I'll admit I got carried away on the 4th, those Italian sausages were soooo good I had a few! I had purchased new regular buns for the Italian sausages and then looked and said hmm, I wonder if the poppy-seed buns are stale or moldy by now? I opened up the poppy-seed buns and found them to be fresh and mold free well past the stamped expiration date. The expiration dat...

Well here's a general update. I have identified the need to change not only my eating habits but also my toxic work routine. Iv'e mentioned before how the night shift is taking a toll on me and my health. I have been working night-shift for more than 20 years. What once worked for me is now not working. I'm older and need  more sleep and to be exact, I need more sleep at night time. The sitting up all night has produced swollen sore feet and ankles as well as brain fog. It seems like the days all run together and sometimes I even forget what day it is. To put it mildly, I'm exhausted! I'm currently looking for work at home opportunities so that I can focus on getting my health together. A more flexible schedule where I can work from any location on my laptop is ideal at this time in my life. Once my health is in order, I have bigger plans, but first things first. Taking a step n a new direction provides some anxiety but I know I'm fully capable of achieving any ...

Have you ever had someone insult your intelligence when you're in fact more intelligent than they are? Well I have and I'm heated! I had been doing great eating properly and haven't had any junk foods for a while. Today I have been craving strawberry shakes but in my town McDonald's shake machine is always defective and down so my choices are limited. Arby's makes great shakes but no strawberry ones, but I settled for Arby's Ultimate chocolate shake. I'm not saying any names but someone went out to get shakes and  Arby's is  less than 3 minutes away from our home. I'm waiting waiting, waiting and already knowing this person stopped somewhere else and will bring me a shake with the consistency of plain milk!! Sure enough, this person arrived with the shake watery, the usual fluffy whipped cream on top was flat and floating on top of the sloppy mess. On top of all of that this person brought an orange dreamsicle  shake which I never get. I'm livid ...

Flabby, dangling arm-wings, that's what I call them. The unsightly loose skin that is evidence of my weight loss makes this whole process bittersweet. I think if I try  hard enough these wings will actually let me take flight! Seriously though, this is one of the issues I am dealing with along this lifestyle change. It's not just my arms, my stomach  has sagging skin as well. Where my pants should fit better, they're actually fitting weirdly to accommodate for the extra sagging skin, which  was once pulled tight. Ahh what a trade off, but at least I know I am heading in the right direction. I'm slowly working my way up to walking to speed this process along and to and burn more calories throughout the day. My routine is pretty redundant and I honestly don't move around much which isn't good. I work, sleep and repeat. My job is literally draining and I find myself getting sick towards the end of my workweek and left to recuperate on my off days. Its an obvious pa...

Imagine being in a peaceful sleep and being awakened by sounds of distress. Screaming, drama the whole nine, this is what my life has been like consistently for the past four years. Never knowing what to expect or when to expect it, but knowing something unpleasant is right around the corner is how I've been operating.  What caused me such distress you're probably thinking and may have guessed, yep child number 5.  I joke around telling people there should be a movement against Parental abuse but seriously there really should be. My husband and I have both missed countless nights of work for fear of what would be going on in our home if we left. We never knew who would be allowed into our home while we were away at work overnight and this was a horrible feeling. Coming home after working all night to find people asleep on the couch who shouldn't be there or kids breaking their necks to escape front and back doors when they see us pull up earlier than expected has been our r...

Lately I've had conversations with first my oldest daughter and then my oldest sister who feel I should go meatless... My daughter went meatless for a while and lost weight and felt healthier too. I am a meat girl, grew up eating an entire steak minus the vegetables. Meat has always been my food of choice. While some people go crazy over sweets, breads, pasta and such, I go crazy over meat. Now I'm in deep thought since two people have suggested I cut it from my life. I am going through a range of emotions like I'm losing a friend. Like seriously, I know I may sound crazy but I'm thinking about my famous jerked air-fried wings and my mustard chicken and the list goes on. Pork and beef I can care less if I didn't eat it anymore but chicken, Lord give me strength. Just the fact that I'm on here sounding like a dope fiend is disturbing me as I type but I'm being real, I love chicken! I think I need therapy to deal with this. While I know the benefits will be gr...

So I've been trying to avoid writing about specific people but to hell with that. There's no other way for me to express the source of my stress without discussing the person causing most of it. This is therapeutic for me as well so I'm going to be real honest and get it all out. For the past four years my daughter has been a thorn in my side. Shes defiant, disrespectful loud and obnoxious and follows no rules set for her. This of course has caused horrible arguments in our household. She wont do chores but messes up frequently and has the nerve to tell us if we want it done do it ourselves. Shes so disrespectful that my husband had to take a break and spent several nights in a hotel to get away from her consistent nonsense. I was close to leaving as well the other day. Here's the latest argument. The other day she walked into my room and grabbed a fan we weren't using. I told her to put it back and buy her own to replace the fan she used to have in her room, ...

As you can see, I have been missing for about a week now. This is due to me hitting a bump in the road. I was really strict with the things I was eating and was thrilled to finally be burning fat as evidenced on my ketostix. However that thrill was short lived. I mentioned before that I am a diabetic and take both insulin and pills to keep things in check. Being a diabetic and the strict high protein meals did not mix well.  After working 5 nights and looking forward to 5 off to relax and regroup, I found myself in the emergency room in excruciating pain. That night I had fallen asleep in my zero gravity recliner and woke up to use the bathroom. Upon standing up from the toilet, I felt the worst pain ever. The pain was so bad in my abdomen that I wasn't able to stand upright. Bent over holding my stomach, I shuffled to my bedroom and got in bed to see if the pain would go away. The pain got worse, in fact I started comparing the pain to labor pains. I shuffled back to the bathroom...

It's officially been 1 full week since I embarked upon this journey to change my life and it's going great. Working the graveyard shift hasn't been a hindrance either. Where I used to snack on chips and popsicles during the night, I've switched to boiled eggs, fresh fruit and frozen applesauce cups. Earlier for Lunch/dinner I had a very good salad from McAllisters Deli while my husband chowed down on what used to be one of my favorites, a giant spud loaded with chipotle chicken, cheese and all of the fixings! The temptation hit when my husband showed me the carrot cake they threw in for free since they didn't have his order ready on time as promised. They gave him two slices at that! He turns and tries to give me a slice and I gave him the death glare. He sees I'm trying to stay on the right track, better stop with the shenanigans! I'm one of those people who likes to see that I'm burning fat so I purchased some Ketostix. They became popular when the Atk...

It's almost been a full week and I'm still going strong! Yesterday when I got off of work I ate a few boiled eggs and pork sausage patties. I'm starting to crave sweets more so I drank a little bit of the strawberry, banana smoothie I had made the day before. That satisfied my sweet tooth and I was good until lunch time. My husband woke me up saying he had a surprise from my favorite spot, The Jerk Shop! I cringed when I heard those words. He knows good and well how I love those Jerk egg-rolls and everything else they cook so why on Earth would he tempt me like this? He placed the bag near me and I got up and went to wash my hands and refill my thermos with ice water. When I got back, he was checking the orders to see which was his, which was a good sign because we usually would get the same meals before my lifestyle change. I opened my container and smiled from ear to ear at the jerk steak salad that was before me. They hooked me up! It had everything, onions, tomatoes, cu...

The issues I had leading up to my graduation two weeks ago lit a fire under me to get healthy and lose this weight. When I read the measurements for the graduation gown online, I knew I would need a special order. I called the school bookstore and explained this but the worker assured me I could just come on in and try some on and he's sure they have one that will fit. Against my better judgement and a nagging feeling that I should go as soon as possible to try one on, I waited an additional week. I arrived at the school bookstore to try on gowns exactly 3 weeks before graduation and none of the gowns fit. I was petrified! The associate took my name and number and assured me they would get in touch with the company that makes the gowns to put in a special order. Later that day I received a call that I needed to go back in to get measured immediately since it takes two and a half to three weeks to make the gown. The associate threw in her suggestion that I should look into buying a ...

 I feel great which is what I wanted to let everyone know. I am motivated to get this weight off and staying on track. I made a small store run looking for snacks and was disappointed to find the local stores in my area don't carry a-lot of the items I was looking for. However, I did grab some almond butter which I eat with celery or with apples. I also bought Wholly Guacamole, the spicy kind, to go with my pork rinds. I really wanted some So Delicious dairy free coconut milk unsweetened yogurt but of course my town doesn't carry it. This would have helped me switch up my breakfast routine a bit. I would like to have a variety of quick choices to grab in the morning. I would've just thrown some berries in the yogurt and been good until lunch time but oh well. I grabbed bananas, strawberries and coconut milk to make breakfast smoothies and enjoyed one this morning. I don't add any honey or sugar, the fruit provided the right amount of sweetness for me. A few hours afte...

A few weeks ago I graduated form WIU and received my Bachelors degree. While initially going to school with the intent of being a social worker, I had to make the difficult decision to switch majors. Having a difficult,unruly, unpredictable teenager at home along with mounting health issues took its toll. I needed to finish up A.S.A.P. and the social work program would have taken me another year to finish. The counselor was reassuring when I spoke to her about my decision and I'm pleased to know that this can be revisited at the Masters level when things have calmed down a bit in my life. Just looking back, I am happy that I have taken just about every social work class the college offers. My hard work and those classes will not go to waste. The internship is what I couldn't take on in addition to everything else going on in my life. While I was proud of myself for graduating, it was bittersweet. After my graduation in 2014 when I received my Associates degree, I told my family...

I must admit, I'm proud of myself for not giving in to temptation! This morning I came in from work, threw a few pork sausage patties into the air-fryer, I already had boiled eggs ready and waiting and that was breakfast. You know I had to have my water too! I used to frequent McDonald's after work to grab an iced coffee with caramel and I really wanted  one but thought about my long term goals. For lunch I had left over rotisserie chicken from the other day along with steamed broccoli. One of my sons was a blessing and brought me  about 6 bags of steam-able frozen vegetables since I still have not been shopping for myself. Just know along with every meal I have water. I have a great stainless steel double insulated thermos that keeps my water cold for 24 hours and I love it! It holds 64 oz and I drink 2 per day. I've been known to not be very pleasant in times past when I didn't have icy cold water available. In order to keep my husband from 2 a.m. trips to the store...

Day 2 of my lifestyle change went great. I have the mindset that I must get it right this time around. There is so much I am missing out on due to my weight and it's not a good feeling. As I explained in day 1, my meal schedule is weird because I work night shift and sleep during normal dinner hours. While at work I am allowed to eat with the clients if I choose to so I had 2 slices of bacon to hold me until I got home. I keep the individual cups of Granny Smith apple sauce on hand for something quick to eat and I freeze them, they're delicious and a great alternative to many other frozen treats. I also buy cans of pineapple chunks by the case  from Aldi and freeze 1 can a day. This is also a great snack for me. Once off of work I really wasn't that hungry and grabbed an applesauce from the freezer, drank 32 oz. of water and was done.  Once Lunchtime rolled around I woke up hungry. I had air-fried boneless skinless chicken breasts and a bag of steamed green beans and of cou...

For as long as I can remember, dreams of owning and running a home for pregnant and teen mothers has been a passion of mine. Having it all mapped out, there would be many resources available such as, job training, GED classes on site, group therapy and a food and clothing pantry, just to name a few. While this has been my dream, I have to ask myself what has kept me from pursuing it. Looking deeper within, the realization came that while I dreamed of doing this, I didn't fully believe that I was capable of achieving it. Having a dream has to be equipped with the mindset that you can achieve it. After years of taking short cuts there's no more doubt that my dream can be achieved. Speaking of shortcuts, I'm referring to  the many jobs I've  held over the years. From being a Certified nurses assistant, to driving for Chicago Transit Authority, I've done some of everything. Knowing deep down, none  of these jobs were fulfilling, I continued on out of convenience or in...

Today I embarked upon a lifestyle change. I chose to say lifestyle change over diet because I don't plan to change my way of eating once the weight is loss, a diet is temporary. I've been down this road many times having success with the weight-loss, all to gain the weight back plus extra! I used to find comfort in food, I was a stress eater and oh boy did I have have more stress than the average person! If all was going wrong around me, the aroma of good soul food would transform me to another dimension. If the smell transformed me, you can imagine the enjoyment that came from eating the finished product.  I had to be real with myself and say that's it, it's time to stop and handle stress a different way. Why should I continue to abuse myself because of the stress others bring to my doorstep? I shouldn't and I'm not. Right now I have no problem cutting people out of my life that are toxic and stress bringers. Everyday will present its own challenges, but as fo...

I've taken the role of putting out fires. What kind of fires you may be thinking, not the ones that immediately crossed your mind. I've been putting out fires in other peoples lives, cleaning up their messes, being the sound advice,voice of reason, supportive friend/relative when nothing else around them made sense. All the while, the fire in my soul to follow my dreams was burning a little less year after year. I have come to the realization that people will suck the life out of you. I can give advice all day long, bail people out of jail, be Johnny on the spot whenever there's an emergency and guess what? People will continue to pull on me to function in that capacity! Whats even worse is when the individuals who take up my time, which is valuable, continue doing the exact thing which caused the initial fire in their lives. This is where I say ENOUGH! I'm done neglecting myself, I'm done overextending myself, I'm done involving myself in other peoples fires....